Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Bribery...?

Okay, so it seems there is quite the constituency out there regarding my decision (or should I say indecision) about finding out the sex of our kiddo.

To date, I have a hard offer of $50 cash and another offer of “we could scrape some money together too” in order to lure me over to the dark side.

Let me state the following for the record:

1. I am not even really sure Jen is pregnant. The “sonogram” that I saw was simply a black and white squiggly mess of lines.

2. I love surprises. If you mail me a birthday present and I receive it before December 15th, I will wait until my birthday to open it. (please note the subtle hint as when to send me birthday gifts)

3. I have noticed in myself that I am somewhat anti-authority, that is to say, when the tour guide says “go right” that I have some weird, uncontrollable compulsion to go to the left.

4. You are just lucky that me and Jen (who happen to be the coolest people you know) decided to reproduce and share a child with the world (who will also be one of the coolest people you know)... (if Jen is indeed pregnant).

The aforementioned points aside, I am not above bribery, but my terms are steep. The list is not ranked in any particular order.

1. $287 cold hard cash, preferably small bills.
2. A Canon PowerShot SD1000IS.
3. A Springfield Armory XD-M 9mm.
4. A promise by anyone who knows us to be brutally honest about any changes in our lives and about the attractiveness of our kiddo.
5. Accompany us on a trip to the Mediterranean area or Egypt in late 2010.
6. A pair of Black Diamond Cramp-ons (a used pair is acceptable)
7. Four baby sitting weekends so that Jen and I can get away (if Jen is indeed pregnant)

Remember, while my demands may seem outlandish, this is my price for changing an opinion that I have held for over 24 years.

Finally, you have until February 17, 2009 at 11:57 am to meet ALL the terms of my demands or else we won't find out the sex and the kiddo’s name will be a last minute decision made be me after I am smelling-salted back to consciousness after having passed out in the delivery room.

I await your bribes.

PS – I just proof read this to Jen and she thinks that I am bluffing. Anyone ever play cards with me? So you all better get together and see who is going to get what from the list. Whoooohahahahahahaha! (my evil laugh)

3 comments:

Allison said...

Go ahead, don't find out! I win! Bribery doesn't work on me. Ha!

This is all assuming Jen in fact is prego. Not sure with what- an avacado, a bell pepper, hmmmm.

Allison said...

BTW, I've got ya right where I want ya.

David said...

Kenny, We promise to comply with a few of your demands and those items are.
#1. We will pay you $287 in small bills which will be subtracted from the $500 I currently owe you.
#4. Even though Jen is beauiful, you hit too many branches on the ugly tree so I promise to be brutally honest.
#5. We will accompany you on a trip unless we have an unexpected passenger!
#7. No problem, Jeffrey will love to spend time with his cousin.